free is no answer
to a question so deep
it has to cost dearly
or make someone weep
if you need the truth
just stand by and hold on
I will bring it with meaning
so hear or be gone
watch out for that rainstorm
it brings soaking wet
watch out for that problem
that you haven't met
take your time
do some planning
relax, move with care
you'll be ready
with ease
and with more time to spare
some think in stories
some more abstract
do we live in a stream
or a thought more compact
pardon me for such thinking
it's just how I work
I compress what I see
just call it my quirk
flowers and birdies
warm sun on my walk
the change of the season
brings the quiet to talk
was winter so brutal
will the spring bring a change
I will wait for that answer
as my thoughts rearrange
a bird on a seat
to bring me a smile
to temper my grief
and rest for a while
just a story or two
of what I've been through
they retain all my past
or I'll lose it real fast
of the grief and the hurt
of the me I'll forget
forced to live in the now
on the road not here yet
recently purchased a bottle of mouthwash, the old kind with
medicinal smell and taste that comes from natural sources
like a plant with a strong odor
and though I didn't do it on purpose every time I open the
bottle and inhale the stringent fumes and taste the sharp liquid
I find myself about 10 years old in my grandmother's room
which always was filled with the same aroma
she was my favorite
and was the caretaker for me and my brother
and still I remember the grief when she was gone
are you sure
you have the answer ?
are you sure
you know the way ?
I think twice before I follow
should I go or just stay
we all have our methods
to get what we need
can I trust you to help me
or just let myself lead
a long life of learning
school brought me a lot
there was language and reading
even typing was taught
I was drawn to the English
the working of words
then discovered how science
made some things absurd
and then there are lessons
that come from the street
the places you go
the people you meet
but now it is music
that leads me to study
the theory of scales
has become my new buddy
I play at the keyboard
with melody and chords
my hands bring the passion
from knowledge that's stored
good news for me
is more time with good health
to enjoy what I have
with an illness of stealth
every day I must wonder
what I might have to lose
then I think what I have
is the best thought to choose
the news comes from lab tests
and conditions that stay
but I'm here and I'm able
to have a good day
did I finish the thought
did I bring the support
did I take it too far
or leave it too short
do I care that its done
or just keep it on track
was I told that its working
is there something to lack
I'll ask those around me
I'll check every fact
I'll hope it's the best
on point and exact
am I looking for help
should I try it at home
the problems are many
to tackle alone
I usually rely on myself at the start
then look for assistance if things fall apart
can I do it better than anyone else
I prefer the control on my own
but I might learn a lesson
to work with a group
there is always a lot to be shown
the secret to keep
the cancer I wear
you tell someone else
they gasp and then stare
you don't want to find yourself drowning in pity
that leaves you alone and the feeling's not pretty
so I limit my tell to a small special group
they can help with the comfort I need
for the rest I stay normal with nothing to say
it's the new life I now have to lead
I keep getting older
the challenges mount
remembering things
just too numerous to count
I have only myself
to remind what to do
so I write myself notes
soon forget all them too
the short and the long of it
memory wanes
i continue to cherish
all that remains
engage or endure
is there really a choice
both have a powerful
takeover voice
work with a problem
make it your own
then find it just stands there
and leaves you alone
turn your back on the same
and it won't go away
always returns on some sad and blue day
the future is coming
it emerges from here
make the best of this minute
keep your resources near
you ask if I'm selfish for me not for you
do we take any time to think it all through
is it possible even to not put me first
that need to be best and never the worst
it's kindness that gives us the joy to survive
think of all those around you be here and alive
so you don't like the words
that I say to your face
and complain when I enter
your too sacred space
my advice for this ailment
is just stay away
there will be no agreement
between us today
just remember I always
will be your good friend
such a loss to us both
if it ever should end
THE LAST YEAR
just counting the days
of the time that will stop
what to do where to go
who to thank for the lot
such a sad way to live
with the end now in sight
I am wondering now
if I've done it all right
will it hurt to face death
in this quickening way
I must save all my strength
to enjoy every day
when I'm gone and my life
is a history book
will anyone pause
and give it a look
goodbye to my friends
goodbye to this mind
I trust I have left
something hopeful and kind
STORY TIME
An alien disguised as a human
Hospital waiting room
expecting a long wait here in the ER with my ailing friends
not very happy being here looking around the usual menagerie of
players from the world outside
something odd about one guy almost looks like he doesn't know
how to use a chair half sitting half standing where did he come
from how did he get here
I keep on watching him closely just in case he reveals himself
somehow I poke my friends and point, but they show little
interest such strange clothing, not any kind of a fashion
statement, like even clothes make no sense to him, is it a him,
how could I possibly tell
at least some kind of entertainment being stuck in a dreary
place here just being a nice guy maybe I should just get up and
leave, any excuse will do but it's a slow day, think I'll hang
around and see how this show moves on
wait, that weird guy is up to something I think they called his
name but he's not sure what to do the person sitting next to him
leans over and offers advice, pointing towards the nursing
station so Mr. Strange hobbles over to the counter, what the
heck is he doing here does he know what this place is
the intake nurse attempts to get his name and some idea what's
up with him he has no clue what to say or do
this is a noisy room, but it seems like a long silence goes on
while he stands there perplexed with many eyes on him finally
with looks like frustration he bolts for the door, gone without
whatever help he thought he was seeking
my friend is called to the counter
time to move on to the next adventure
your lot in life
the vows you take
the world you see
the friends you make
it follows you
you made it be
not yours to hide
its what we see
I live in my thoughts
analysis reigns
a task with my hands
it is slow and it pains
give me a problem
I'll think it to death
I'll be running the details
while you're out of breath
but consider how long
will it take to get done
for me it's forever
for you it's just fun
look at me now time has passed since we met
I have many new habits and they've all become set
you'll no longer see the persona you know
the departure was sad but it just had to go
I have new tricks to show you just open your mind
let's start it all over there's a new me to find
what do I care if I don't do it right
there is usually no one to see
and if someone is looking it's best I relax
cause I need to reveal the true me
love is a word we all seem to know
but ask what it means theories come and they go
to me it means caring and staying around
when life takes a turn and the stakes are profound
love just means kind whether young or when old
if you spread it around it returns several fold
the happy go lucky whose life took a turn
now changed in an instant to never return
has your heart come to terms with the sadness and grief
have you found any person or place for relief
the people you know who cannot see your pain
while trying to show them a face that's the same
I'm guessing that cancer takes all for a ride
tears us apart look for someplace to hide
but left with few choices and searching for hope
each day we wake up and remember to cope
I don't want to brag
but I want you to know
if I went down that path
you would get up and go
so I just stay quiet
and do what I can
sometimes I get kudos
and make a new fan
the start of the season
called summer for now
then fall comes around
just not a big wow
I suppose it's my age
I look back on the years
my time line is recent
whatever appears
can you blame me my days
are a struggle to take
but I'll take any fun
that the season can make
* TEMPTATION - THE DREAM
It is late in the evening in a large hotel where a major
conference is taking place on the main floor. Coming out of the
elevator on an upper floor hallway are two attendees, myself and
an attractive woman, possibly in her 30's or 40's, very slender
and wearing a tight fitting long red dress.
Following her out of the elevator, I take off on my own down the
hallway toward my room. She is cheerfully inebriated and walking
with a slight stagger. Moving quickly to catch up and gleefully
flirting with me, she makes it obvious she is interested in a
collegial tryst.
I look back and pick up my pace, hoping to avoid any awkward
interaction involving rejecting her advances. But she persists,
and before I can enter my room and close the door, I find myself
in the room with her and in the perfect situation for a few
hours of fun.
I am now confronted with exactly what I was trying to avoid. It
has been quite a while since the last time I had sex. Anxiety
starts to take over and thoughts of embarrassment and
disappointment abound.
Meanwhile, she has taken a seat on the bed and with a welcoming
smile reaches out for me to join her. I slowly move toward the
bed and reluctantly sit next to her, wondering what to expect
next. Hands and arms quickly go into motion and the two of us
seem to be on the way to the inevitable.
Reality now pays me a visit. I pull back and make eye contact
with her to get her attention. By now she is somewhat sober and
the signal is received clearly. I take a big breath and begin.
"I need to tell you something, and I ask you to keep it between
us because I am not interested in a ride on the pity train. This
will be a lot for you to hear, so if you don't want me to
continue, let's call it a night."
Now intrigued. she insists and I go on.
"I have advanced prostate cancer and am being treated with
hormone deprivation therapy. Basically, I have no physical or
mental sex drive."
"You are such an attractive woman, and I only wish I had
something more to offer you, but carnal activities have ended
for me permanently. That said, I understand if now you need to
make a quick exit."
She maintains eye contact, and without hesitation turns toward
me and reaches out with a warm embrace. Tears start flowing for
both of us, we fall back on the bed and take comfort in each
other's arms until morning.
* TEMPTATION
the call of temptation to do as we please
to throw away caution move forward with ease
ignore all the lessons we've learned in our time
a hedonist outlook makes everything fine
temptation for sex, temptation for food
temptation for anything striking a mood
a voice that says do it whatever you want
the possible consequence easy to flaunt
wake up the next day regret what you've done
just go and say sorry to everyone
but sometimes the fun it's just never enough
and we do it again just to call our own bluff
an urge to indulge with seduction in view
how can we resist and be satisfied too
a flirt that turns into a roll in the hay
with little regard for what others will say
the crowds that surround us show no need to stop
so why be so careful just play till we drop
a minefield of choices the face of desire
more chances are taken as stakes just get higher
the specter that tempts us through lives that we lead
with luck we survive and get all that we need
a day at the lake
such excitement to come
the swim and the dive
nothing else but pure fun
a meal or a picnic
a gas powered grill
just burgers and dogs
it was all such a thrill
that lake is now gone
for housing and land
the memories are mine
hot feet in the sand
you asked me to trust you and I went along
I valued your friendship felt nothing was wrong
at times you were here I found room in my heart
I soon came to think we'd be never apart
then one day I see you with some other guy
the sadness consumes as I break down and cry
betrayal so hard when I've started to feel
I now must accept what we had was not real
a day full of chores all on the run
rush to complete and get it all done
there on the side a dad with a sign
help us to eat just this one time
I pass them with bags and put them away
then return with some cash but nothing to say
back to my car and get ready to go
my life in their eyes and it just hurts me so
tears join my ride as I leave to move on
I take hope from their youth and the moment is gone
a picture that speaks to the days in my past
a memory of youth that I once thought would last
remind me of where and the when I was there
when time was just endless the future to spare
I look at those pics of a previous time
the paper might fade but the memories are mine
* A CHANCE FOR APOLOGIES
I'm sorry friend I let you down
so many times to count
I didn't know you'd be here now
as problems seem to mount
the years have passed your needs have changed
so much was left behind
the chance to fill your heart passed by
you didn't seem to mind
now here you find yourself alone
just grief to fill your day
if I could help I'd change the past
but what a price to pay
your life was rich beyond belief
what part is there to spare
to trade a vital coin you hold
for someone now to care
I take this chance to make amends
see all that's on my plate
forgive myself move on from here
and seal a better fate
I wasn't really ready
to share my sinking fate
but time is moving fast
it soon could be too late
a necessary news cast
to all that need to know
just tell the story quickly
while giving time to go
the hope is for compassion
our differences to mend
I take what help is offered
as I travel toward the end
Peach was a guy
got his name from the fruit
a ripe pinkish face
and an old wrinkled suit
we all miss the good natured
way that he spoke
his words always warm
with a light hearted joke
now every time
I bite into a peach
there's a friend to recall
and a smile within reach
each day when I rise
and view the day's plans
I test if my strength
can meet the demands
I never assume
I will get it all done
things change all the time
and I'm only one
with luck I will finish
what most is in store
if fate is my friend
I will do even more
with hours gone by
my energy wasted
so glad to be home
success briefly tasted
rocks on the ground
I see they can talk
I doubt they can jump
but perhaps they can walk
just dirt turned to stone
demanding my eyes
every time I look down
there's a thoughtful surprise
green fills the window
and softens my pain
tells me relax
and wait for the rain
a day without green
makes it harder to cope
but the buds I see struggle
remind me of hope
walk thru the wood
see a challenge like new
spread help to a friend
give a chance for them too
zenromance.net
